I for one, do not know why I'm back here after all this time. Maybe I just need to let some things out, shout some out, or just cry a few out. Facebook's too public, instagram's just photos. Guess I have too many things to say that facebook or instagram doesn't have enough space to accomodate. So here I am, back to this, my good old blog. Dee broke up with me 2 freakin days before my birthday. And 3 weeks later confesses to have something for Ilyas. Ooo... That was actually too much to handle. I haven't been myself since. I haven't been going out. I only have so much to show for a half-fucked effort at finding a job. I keep telling myself to forget her, us. I keep sayung that something better will come my way. I just got to get up and go. Question is, what if better was something I never wanted and second best will always be what I think I'll know from now on? I know I'm well deep in selfish thinking. Too hurt to climb back up. I am happy that she found so much happiness with him. As long as she is happy, I will be happy, for her. I haven't been the best partner all these years, but I think I'll be glad to say I tried. But I'm still fucking miserable. And I think all that about she wanting to find herself, rediscovering her spark was just a load of grade-A, stanky-ass bucket of bullcrap and a whole pint of diabetic yellow horse piss. There I said it. She has always had a soft spot for him and vice versa. And I trusted both of them with the sanctity of my relationships that it turns out they turned and bit a big chunk of my ass off just like that. They can be as sorry as sorry can get but I feel its not fair that I got hurt just so they can be happy. Call me a hater but I'm scarred, oh so sue me. Well I think this is for now. Lovelife sucks and I miss her so damn much. Its ok if she don't but its just that I do. Heartbreaks are so mainstream, and I'm trying to refrain from mainstreaming too much. Till we meet again, whoever you are.

randomness

I want to feel like i don't care, but i can't help but bother.

I shouldn't feel like this, but i can't help it.

You seem very fine to have got "rid" of me, but why do i keep on fighting for it?

Maybe there is something worth salvaging?

Or maybe i finally tell myself to not give up like I've always done and keep running through and dodge them bullets?

well, i don't know. i guess i have to ride the waves and accept the circumstances.

i don't wanna keep on ranting. but i can't tell anybody anymore.

she would probably think i'm clogging up her space with my problems, if they seem like problems worth going over anymore. if i'm wrong please do tell me so. cos this is how i feel.

another thing i don't get. exactly how much space is needed when there is a request for space?

do i need to automatically know where the line has been drawn?

is there a book pertaining how much space should be given in the case of

"bf-vs-gf: the case of the time off"?

am i supposed to stuff whatever habits accumulated during this one year into the drawers, onto the dressing table and leave it till there is finally use for it, or in this case, you think its OK for 'us' to resume, or, end?

unlike you, i don't rely on friends to 'meditate'. but with you i just crumble. no friends can bring me up. nobody. but you.

you do not understand how much importance you hold in my life. or you just simply choose to ignore because according to you, "do not underestimate my cruelty".

trust me, cruelty is a small word for what i know you can become.

thats it then.

i'm gonna try to tuck in now. not that you know anyways.

toodles.

ermmmm.....

I tried to sleep. I fell asleep. And i thought that'll be the end of that.
NOOOOOOOOOO.....

The garbage truck driver just had to wake me up through his constant loud horning, just to make his presence known to the banglas, who were probably having their breakfast, to open up the shutters for the garbage place thingythingy.

Now i cannot sleep. I don't wanna wake gf up. she needs her beauty sleep. Haha... Excuses.

So i had this sudden urge to turn the laptop. After surfing, i had this strange urge to blog. Haha.. Wierd right?

Actually, like the title says, i don't really know what i wanna type down. So yea, errmmmm....
Haha...

Firstly to Mir, i would miss you being so near yet so far. Woodlands seem so far although its just a tiny island we live over here.

Second, i read some things over the net just now. Got a few things that made me a bit sad. Or maybe i'm just playing up the drama.

The world's ending people.
Global warming is real and many people or children are dying. Shiatte... i could be a UN ambassador.
Liars are accusing other people of lies and betrayal.
Immunity makes people think they can get away with anything.
Sex is becoming too public. And wanking off is just not the way to go anymore. Haha..
And god is so angry he chose to shake the world a few times these past few years.

So yea. It was quite an unpleasant morning to begin with.

And so i leave you with something i wrote quite a long time ago, yet unpublished.

My heart is heavy
My damn feet are cold
The fags are not working on me today
I'm not calm, agitated much.
So you think i won't figure it out
or even uncover it?
However you might think i don't know,
However you think i can forgo.
So here's the middle finger to you
And the rest of your world.
Fuck you, fuck him, and fuck you every little queer
Who have sought or even thought bad abt me.
Cos i just found somebody,
High and mighty, brought to it knees,
In shame, unknowingly.
So i trudge on, chin held high
With the facade of being nothing else
But perfectly normal in your eyes.
I might bite you hard one day,
But for now, i'll settle for nibbling on you
Slowly before i get there,
Someday.
Cheers!

Dear you

I am but just a man. I try my best but sometimes, well, more often than not, I slip.

A man, ego. I give in only at the last minute, stubborn like a donkey. But you are always on my mind, and I always want the best fr you. Even though that doesn't always come true, I try to give you the next best thing. The things I do for you, us, I do with love.

I just wanted you to know that.

Love,
me.

Just when all seems fine
And all pain free,
You jab another pin,
jab another pin in me...

- Metallica

I fucked up today. Big-ass time. She shouldn't hve to get hurt like this.

Hmm....

To decieve or be decieved??

The question shall be left unanswered, I suppose...